First up Kenna broke it off with me in April after visiting Arizona. She decided that it would be best for her to live there, and thus move from me, her friends and her church here in the region. Yes, that's a lot to give up, and although she made the decision practically overnight with me, it did take her a week or so to settle down and have peace with it. Things moved quickly and she got a job and moved out in mid-June.
About a month later, my mother finally succumbed to her long struggle with kidney failure and died on May 26th. Although very weak for many years, she had made it through a few close calls, and both Karen and I didn't expect her to leave us so suddenly. She was admitted to the hospital to fix a port in her arm for dialysis, which didn't take, and thus made her weaker. When they tried again, she didn't wake up out of sedation - her heart simply gave up.
The night before Karen and I were able to visit her for a while, and I knew the end was near. She lying in bed, with an oxygen mask on. She looked, for lack of a better word, pathetic. In fact, she couldn't even breathe room air without her oxygen levels sinking. I left with a heavy heart and cried, knowing the end was near. The next morning, it was true.
In the midst of these traumatic events I traveled to Portland, OR for a conference, and escaped with my son to Winnipeg to watch the women's World Cup. Both of these excursions were very helpful in getting me past the pain and shock for both events. I'm thankful for their timing.
As for where I am now - that's in the Lord's hands. Right at this moment I just don't have the bandwidth to date again, and quite frankly, I need to get alone to process all of this stuff and rebuild my life. It does me no good jumping back into a relationship at a time where I am vulnerable and not at my best. I do desire to marry - and I pray the Lord will provide me a good mate one day. At least I have a better sense of who I need in my life, and to pull the trigger quicker on those who aren't going to work out.
The last month or so with Kenna since my mum died was difficult. She wasn't very kind towards me, and this threw me off. We did make peace however before she left, and now in hindsight, it's a good thing we never made it to the altar. Ever since I slipped that ring on her finger things between us went downhill. Eventually she yearned to be in Arizona, and was asking how I felt to move out there one day. I didn't shut out the possibility, but certainly didn't think much of it either (move to the desert...um, no). That in the end pushed her away, and far better to realize this now than when married. In short, I was spared.
Of course there were other matters as well. If it were just Arizona, I think she would have stayed with me if her love was strong enough. It wasn't. Now, I need to figure out want I must do to land a lady for the long-term. First I need time to heal and enjoy being on my own - I never have had that opportunity. I've bounced from one lady to another, and this takes its toll.
I have heard from far too many people that "when you least expect it, she will walk into your life." It's now time to trust in this...and in what the Lord has in store for me.
